It is total hindsight - I spend 30% of my moments reflecting on what actually happened around that time, and 70% imagining what I would, could and should have done differently! But quite why I feel such a strong desire to change this period of my history - rather than enhance my current status - I don't know. Freud, c'mere!
Like lots of people, I had a tough time as a teenager. I was always 'different' from the other kids at school (and those that know me personally will understand what I truly mean by that, and agree!), but the toughest thing I guess, was growing up in a house that was marred, literally daily, by violence. My Mother was an alcoholic. Her partner (not my Father thank God) was an extremely violent, psychotic, ex-soldier who spent every day beating the hell out of her, then coming up to my room to goad me - "I just broke your Mother's nose! What are you going to do about it?!". Looking back, what a dick! But at the time, I didn't really understand much, I just knew that none of this was happening with my friend's families. I went to their houses after school, and they were clean, comfortable, light, Mum and Dad happily married. Mine was dark, noisy and heavy. Teacher's would always ask me, in front of the whole class, why I hadn't done my homework. It never occurred to me to say "Well, the sounds of my Mother being thrown around the living room, the smashing of glass, the thud as objects hit the wall, and Dire Straits being played at full volume over the stereo in order to drown out some of the noise of the fighting made it hard for me to concentrate on the difference between gas and liquid molecules." Instead, I always found myself trying to come up with various pathetic excuses such as "I didn't feel very well" or "I forgot".
Like, I am sure, a lot of people in my situation, music helped. I would never have been able to get through it if it hadn't been for my trusty, and beloved, 80's Sony Walkman that my Father had brought for me. Every single evening I would hide under my quilt, and play at full volume the cassettes that I loved at the time. "Bat out of Hell" by Meat Loaf was on constant rotation - the rock Opera as an escape from reality. "Now That's what I call Music Vol 5" had some great songs on it, including "Icing on the Cake" by Stephen "Tin Tin" Duffy, a song which struck a particularly strong chord with me. He takes on the role of protector to some social misfit, and even though I could have been the latter, I so wanted to be the former! I would listen to that song over and over and imagine I were singing it, singing about protecting whichever lost soul at school I had a crush on at that particular time.
"The Word Girl" by Scritti Politti had a really nice melody, "Out in the Fields" by Gary Moore and Phil Lynott you couldn't argue with. Lots of "Queen", and for some reason, "Hole in my Shoe" by Neil from the first "The Hits Tape" took me to a wonderful place - don't laugh! It did!
It's so hard to believe all this was about 25 years ago - and that now people younger than that are calling me "babe" and asking if I have "MSN" on a regular basis! That quarter of a Century has flown by - where did it go?!
I still have most of the cassettes, but the Walkman was long gone. So, imagine my joy when, browsing the internet, I came across the very model I used to have! Of course, I bought it straight away, heralding much comment from my friends who are always criticising me for living in the past. Meh. I don't care! It brought me so much happiness to hold such a Walkman in my hands again, and to play those same tapes, through the same Walkman again, it felt like.. home, safety, comfort. The same as it felt when I would play the tapes at full voume as a teenager, and escape the violence and shouting, and suddenly I was immersed in my music, and safe. All those old feelings came flooding back. Plus, I can't believe how loud music used to be! Modern walkmans or mp3 players, certainly not portable CD players, they could NEVER get close to the sheer volume of those old 80s Walkmans! I can't believe I made it out of my teens with such good hearing!
The strangest part of it all, is that by playing the old cassettes on the old Walkman, I appear to have tapped into.. something. I can close my eyes, and almost see the past right in front of me. Moments I had completely forgotten about came flooding back. Not major events either. Silly things, like walking through a playground, or sitting in the living room. Moments I would have no need to remember, they are all still there in my head. Suddenly my life feels like a book, and I can open any page and read any specific paragraph I care too. So it seems that as my health falters, and I perhaps should be concentrating more on the present, I am going deeper and deeper into my past, and have no desire to come back out of it anytime soon.
